I'm also never going to find a lasting relationship as long as I'm giving in to the urges that I've given into for so many years. The compulsion to pleasure myself is damaging on so many levels.
It isolates me, keeping me from wanting to establish and maintain any sort of connection with a real human being.
It makes my standards unrealistically high. The danger with constantly fantasizing is that no woman will ever live up to such hype. When I first meet a woman in whom I'm interested, I tend to get so excited in thinking that she's the perfect one. Well, the truth is that there is no "perfect" one. Everyone has their problems. Every relationship is going to have its ups and downs. The problem with constant and prolonged compulsive masturbation is that it reconditions your brain to think that there are actually women out in the real world who are just like the ones you fantasize about in your head. There are not.
I'm listening to John Frusciante's new album, Enclosure. What a fucking creative genius. Is he really all that different from me though? We both have equal access to the ever-flowing creative force of the Universe. He has just done a hell of a lot better of a job harnessing it. I think that is another thing that has been hampered by my constant masturbation.
I don't think there is any sort of scientific proof for it, but so many wisdom traditions of the past have promoted living a life without ejaculation. Something about a man's semen containing his life force, so that when you ejaculate, you are weakening yourself. Makes sense based on my experience of compulsive masturbation and then abstinence.
So how am I feeling today? So-so. I don't feel great, but I've had worse days. I got up this morning and went to yoga, then had coffee with my sister. After that I took Maggie out in the woods for a while so she could run. Now I'm just relaxing at home.
Nothing else to say, so I'm going for now...
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