Went to a movie with my sister last night. To the direct left and left-front of us sat two couples. Both of them were pretty wrapped up in each other. The woman in the couple directly to my left was wearing some pretty short shorts and the man had his hand resting on her thigh. The woman in the left-front couple wasn't really wearing anything revealing, but the way she was draped over her partner left the curves of her nice breasts exposed.
At first I simply took in the beauty of these two women to build fantasies. Like I always do, I took in data from the real world- their curves, their smiles, their legs- and put that data into my head in order to make up situations. Nevermind the fact that they were both sitting there with their respective partners. That's the great thing about the fantasy world- it doesn't matter if anyone is taken. You're not trying to hook up with her in real life, you're just trying to get enough visual stimulation to remember her when you are at home later getting off to her.
The bind in which I find myself now is that I'm no longer getting off to anyone in that way. I have stopped pleasuring myself, but the old habit of taking in and storing as much visual stimulation as possible is still there. How do I break myself of this habit? Put the blinders on? Should I simply not look at beautiful women? Or should I try and "zoom out," if you will, and see them for so much more than just pieces of flesh to be used for sexual pleasure? I could see them as living, breathing human beings who have their very own set of dreams, hopes, desires, wounds, needs and faults.
I've mentioned the upside of fantasy- the irrelevance of someone being attached or in a relationship. Now here's the downside: unattainable expectations. When you're banging someone in fantasyland, neither one of you possess any sort of "bad" or undesirable characteristics. She's fucking beautiful and smart and funny and kinky. You're the ultimate lover who is giving it to her every which way and she loves it all. Absolutely no vulnerability or humanness to it whatsoever. False.
After I realized how unnecessary it was to sit and mentally record the features of these women, I changed my point of focus. I began to view them in the context of their partnerships. I saw how the left-front man was running his fingers through his partner's hair. How their hands would meet and dance and then part again. I noticed the left woman's hand resting on her partner's hand, which was resting on her leg. I began to wonder if and when I would experience such intimacy. The thought came into my head that I am in no way ready to be with another. I have built up such a fantasy in my head about how it would be. Until that spell is broken and I can actually accept myself and someone else and all of the faults and realness that we have, I should not be involved.
I have no idea how long this will take and if it is even possible. I have heard about studies on neuroplasticity- the idea that the brain is a malleable and changeable thing. I know it's possible, it's just going to take a hell of a lot of work. Almost two decades of fantasy, of building up this false sense of what it is to be with someone. My brain is not going to change overnight. It is going to take months and months, maybe even years and years of catching myself doing the same old things. Slowly but surely, if I stick with this, I will start to see things shift.
My focus for now? Well, besides the obvious one of not getting off, I need to be very aware of how I'm viewing women to whom I'm attracted. If I immediately take in her beautiful face, then breasts, then ass, then I know I'm recreating those same old unattainable images and ideals in my head. This is where the awareness between impulse and action needs to be honed and developed. I can and will break this pattern.
The alternative is perpetual solitude.
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