It all started with alcohol. Went out to dinner last night with my sister and some friends. Ended up having 4 drinks all night, but I'm starting to realize that even that takes its toll. I woke up this morning irritable and depressed. Maggie kept waking me up when all I wanted to do was stay in bed all day. I finally got out of bed sometime past 11.
Since I felt so shitty this morning, I resorted to the one thing that I have always resorted to: self-pleasure. I got myself off once before I even got out of bed and then again in the shower. Such a fucking vicious cycle it is. I get off to feel good, but the feel good only lasts so long. Then I'm left with the same feelings I had before plus the guilt from getting myself off.
When will this stop?
I shouldn't ask in that way. That's so fucking passive. That sort of language takes the responsibility out of my hands and pretends that there is some other agency or entity that's in control of my compulsions. A giant cop out, that's what that is.
When will I put a stop to this?
Seriously, are all of these entries simply going to be about me failing to control myself? In which case, maybe there should be a betting pool amongst the readers that I don't have to see how long it will take me to off myself. Andrew Bird plays on the radio here at the coffee shop and I ponder how much of my life has been wasted on addiction. Yup, I just called a spade a spade. I'm addicted to getting myself off.
The first step is to admit you have a problem, right? Yes, but I don't think I want to follow the other 11 steps. I don't want to see this thing as something that I am ever powerless against. I don't want to go to meetings where every time I introduce myself, I put the words, "I am a sex addict" on the back end. Language and its implications are so damn important to me. When you constantly exclaim, in the company of witnesses, that you have a disease and you are powerless to it, what kind of message is that programming into your being?
So the subject here is rock bottom. How far down can I go before I finally hit bottom? Granted, I don't indulge in self-pleasure nearly as much as I used to, just like I don't drink alcohol nearly as much as I used to. But just like with alcohol, the smallest indulgence is felt very heavily these days. I seem to be getting more sensitive to the fact that these behaviors are only holding me back and keeping me from fulfilling the enormous amounts of potential that exist within and all around me.
So what's it going to be today? I've already gotten off twice this morning. My typical response to this would be to go ahead and mail it in for the day. Get myself off a bunch more today with the tired old mantra of "I'll start fresh tomorrow." Fuck that. I'm starting right now. Why are days the period of time by which we live so much of our lives? If I became sensitive enough to time and could discern when each individual moment was arising and passing, then could I simply abstain every moment, thus leading to a life free from this goddamn addiction?
I really hope this is bottom. Once again, I'm using passive language. Why not just make this bottom? Why not remember how fucking awful I feel today and decide that I will go no lower than this? That I'll start to claw my way back to the top? Can I make such a decision?
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