Oh the misery of starting over. I was only about 5 days in yesterday and now I'm back to the beginning. I ended up playing with myself a couple times last night. What prompted it?
Loneliness.
I opted to stay home rather than go out. I just didn't really feel like being all that social and I really didn't want to drink. So one of my roommates was gone and the other one went to bed pretty early and I was alone in the living room. At first I got online just to try and find someone to chat with, but then it quickly turned into me with my dick out and trying to find a girl to get off to on omegle and chatroulette.
If I read these words about someone else, they would seem incredibly sad. And they are. It is sad that at almost 31 years old, I still isolate myself in such a way. If I could just get beyond this barrier and let go of the compulsion to get myself off, I'd probably end up making some real, lasting connections with people. Real people. Not only intimate connections either. Friendships.
I sit here with my headphones on at a tea shop, listening to the new Frusciante album as a big group of people to my left plans their Beltane ceremony. Such a sense of community from them. I still have never found my people in this town. Is that because I have constantly kept myself at arm's length from everyone? Or is Asheville just not the place I'm supposed to be? Only one way to find out.
I'm going to spend the next six months in this town completely sober of self-pleasure. I will not get myself off for the next 179 days and some odd hours. I don't know how many times I can promise this to myself before I actually follow through with it. I could say that this time is going to be the real time, the time where I finally do it. That would be putting the cart before the horse though. One day at a time.
I think about sex right now and realize that I probably would have no idea what to do right now. Well, I'd know what to do physically. That is so trained into my brain and body that I will probably never forget. I know what to do with a woman's body, but not with her heart, mind and soul. What is real connection? I don't know. Will I ever? Not if I continue with this bullshit that has driven me like a slave master for almost two decades.
There is a girl at work who I think likes me. Just from the way she looks at me and talks to me, I'm pretty sure she's interested. I just want to tell her, "Don't bother, I'm damaged. I'll just end up fucking you over." I know this is not a good attitude to have about myself, but I can't help it at this point. Past experience simply shows to me that I'm not emotionally intelligent enough to be in any sort of relationship. The only interactions I can have with women at this point that are beyond platonic are strictly sexual, physical ones. That's not a healthy thing for me at this point either, because it will just keep reinforcing the skewed view I have of women- beautiful pieces of meat to be used for physical pleasure, without any sort of emotional investment or feeling.
I look at couples around me and I don't know how the fuck they do it. What does it mean to be in a relationship? It means taking someone for all that they are. I'm in no way capable of doing that yet, probably because I'm not ready to take myself for all that I am. I saw how fucked up things ended up with Rebecca for this very reason. When I knew her as the beautiful, talented, sexy, fun girl then everything was totally fine. Then the longer we were together, the more I saw the deeper, sadder parts of her. I wasn't emotionally available enough to accept those things and love her anyways.
The land of intimacy, dating and romance might as well be Mars for me, at this point.
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