I'm 30 years old. I have never had any dreams. I have never had any sort of "When I grow up, I want to be a..." feeling. I have never given 100% of myself to anything. I do everything half-assed, but somehow still manage to make a good living and have a relatively happy life. Still, I know there is more. There is something huge missing. Sure, I have interests, but I never pursue them with the vigor and passion of someone who knows his calling. When I see someone doing exactly what they were put on this earth to do (master musicians usually), a great envy arises in me. I am sitting on the sidelines and watching the movers and the shakers actually get things done in this world.
There is a sort of "film" draped over my existence. I imagine as a sort of pond scum. This film is fapping. It keeps me from truly connecting with others and with myself. The latter is what scares me. If I never truly connect to my deepest potential, talents and desires, this life will be wasted. It already has been for so many years. How much longer will this continue?
I see into the future by looking at an uncle of mine who is over 20 years older than I am. I see him living under the same pond scum, disconnected from so much that life has to offer. He is working a mediocre custodial job, hasn't ever had a girlfriend that I know of, lives by himself and smokes weed constantly. My family found out recently that he was caught looking at pornography at work. This revelation leads me to believe he is hooked on fapping just like I am.
This kind of life is what awaits me if I fail to finally take control of my addiction to fapping. All the potential I have- as a musician, a lover/partner, thinker and human- will all be wasted. There is so much energy within me that could be used to create amazing things and help this world. Whenever my hand strokes my genitals, I am creating a short circuit. Instead of that intense energy blasting outward into work, music, art, learning or creating relationships, it is wasted on about 15 seconds of pleasure.
Every time I fap, I say yes to a mediocre life and no to a life full of realized potential. As always, the choice is mine.
Keep writing, keep thinking, keep fighting. The seed of ambition is planted in your mind let it grow into actions and then a lifestyle. I too am on day one. But having escaped for 87 days once; I have tasted freedom. And it is a taste that never losses its flavor.
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