That's what I need to do. Execute my escape plan. Though unlike Andy Dufresne, I am not physically locked into a prison. I am relatively free in the physical world. I can go where I please for the most part. I own a car and am able-bodied enough to explore the outside world. There is not much that is restricting my physical movement.
However, I may as well be locked up in a prison like Dufresne was in the movie. Until I learn to escape the prison that is my mind and break free of unhealthy patterns such as self-pleasure, my freedom to roam in the physical world really isn't going to be fully realized. There is so much in my life that I feel like I could do if I could just break free from this one fucking addictive behavior. What is it that is keeping me here?
An interesting question just occurred to me: What if living up to my potential is what is scaring me? As long as I continue to give in to my urges and keep myself locked in this mental prison, I will never have to live up to my potential and fulfill the purposes for which I came to this Earth. On some very deep level, am I afraid to just "go for it"? I think this may be the answer. As I read on someone's Facebook post this morning: "It is now our own darkness we are afraid of. It is our light."
Why are we so afraid of fulfilling our respective destinies and finding our place in this world? Perhaps it's because we are so indoctrinated in this culture to think of ourselves as unworthy of such things. Well what happens if we start to believe that we are not only worthy enough to dream, but worthy enough to make those dreams come true? I imagine when this occurs, something quite spectacular happens and life tends to take on a more magical quality. I have heard of this occurring with certain people when they finally started living their Truth and daring to dream.
I have never had such ambitions. I often look back on the 30+ years that I have been on this planet and realize that I have never fully committed to anything. I got good grades in school even though I never really applied myself. I was an okay runner in track and cross country but save the last cross country race I ever ran I never pushed myself as far as I could have. In relationships I tend to wade in the shallow end of commitment. Then when I do decide to dive deep with someone I usually end up feeling like I'm suffocating and I break things off. Either way, I'm never super invested emotionally. Even with my dog I don't feel super attached to her. My job either.
I see now that there is nothing inherently unattractive about any of these things that make up my life. I have a great job where I make a very nice living. My dog is sweet as can be and absolutely adores me. This town offers me plenty of opportunities to connect and create community. The problem is not outside of me. It is within. Until I break this pattern of unworthiness, this feeling that I am not allowed to discover and fulfill my life's purpose, nothing will ever change.
"Get busy livin or get busy dyin."
I say once again, just like I said yesterday: The Choice is Mine. I gave in this morning and pleasured myself. Will I choose that same thing over and over, slowly wasting away and letting my potential go untapped? Or will I finally put my foot down and say enough is enough? What is it going to take to finally make that decision and stick with it? I have no idea. The search continues...
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